Wednesday, April 9, 2008

You couldn't pay me to try that again

Let me first start with a disclaimer. I know there are many women (and men) who often successfully do what I attempted today. I admire those people greatly because clearly I am not one of them. Bill and I both work and the kids go to daycare. When they are home, we equally share the parenting duties. Bill being gone this week has had me going in uncharted waters. I think after today I'm taking my 22 month old and my four month old and heading back to the kiddie pool.

So what is this amazing feat I attempted today? Ready for this?...Going to the grocery store toting the girls without Bill. Yeah, I told you many will guffaw at me; but it was my first time attempting it. It was a complete disaster. It was only out of the kindness of strangers that we all made it home in one piece.

My mistake today was that I decided to put Bailey in the Baby Bjorn so that there would be room in the basket for the groceries. Her infant seat would have taken up the whole basket area. Reagan is also very honed in the senses. She's like a dog. She can sense fear and vulnerability and pounces at that precise moment when you've just become a cat with only three legs. I must have been giving off something that said, "I'm a cat with two legs, one bad eye, no tail, and I can't meow." She was at her peak of performance today. So here's the story...

The parking lot
As I said, I put Bailey in the Baby Bjorn. I was wearing her and holding Reagan's hand while walking in. Reagan decided she didn't want to hold my hand in the parking lot and threw herself on the ground. That forced me to pick her up while Bailey was falling forward and started crying. Reagan was on my hip pitching a fit and I was trying to keep her from hitting Bailey. I ended up putting her back down and picking her up in a football carry under my arm with her arms and legs flailing in protest. I should have just gone back to the car, but I carried on.

The cart
Once I finally got Reagan into the store, I was trying to get her into the cart. She again pitched a fit, this time because she wanted the Thomas the Train cart that plays cartoons while you shop. We had to cut her off on those carts several months ago because she figured out how to get out of them through the windshield then roams free in the store. I wasn't about to deal with that so I was trying to get her into the boring, standard cart. She was kicking and pushing back so that I couldn't get her legs in and in the meanwhile she was getting Bailey in the crossfire. Bailey started to cry so I put Reagan down to regroup my strategy on getting her in the cart. Fortunately, a lady took pity on me and picked Reagan up and endured the same kicks and protests and plucks her in as only a parent could do. She even got Reagan buckled in. I thanked her profusely. I should have just gone back to the car, but I carried on.

Shopping
Reagan of course wanted a cookie and we couldn't get there fast enough for her. She got her free cookie from the bakery and we were set. She was quiet and I was shopping. Things started to go awry when I stopped to get cereal. Of course the cereal was on the bottom shelf so I had to kind of hold Bailey while I bent down to get it. I made the mistake of parking near the shelf so others could get by. While I was getting to the shelf on the bottom, Reagan cleared out a shelf of Cheerios at her level. About ten boxes came crashing on my head and on Bailey. She looks at me innocently and says, "Uh, oh! What happened?" Oh, don't get me started on what happened, kid. Bailey started crying and I kept trying to hold her to keep her head supported while picking up boxes off the floor. Again, another stranger took pity on me and helped me put the boxes back in order.

While I was busy doing that I hear, "Eeewww, it's yucky Mommy!" I look to see what Reagan is talking about. In all of the chaos, she reached behind her and got a hold of the pot roast I stuck in the cart. She was standing there with her thumb still stuck through the pot roast and the package ripped open. So off to produce I went to grab a bag to put the open pot roast in. I should have just abandoned ship at this point and headed to the car, but i didn't.

I had semi recovered from the fallen cheerios, had the open pot roast in a banana bag, and was headed for the dairy when Bailey's reflux came back to haunt us. Bailey had just eaten 30 minutes before that and had a five ounce bottle. The first three ounces sprayed straight ahead, right into Reagan's unsuspecting path. It hit Reagan directly as though a demonic spawn had taken possession of Bailey's body to exact revenge upon Reagan. Reagan looked in horror and then pointed to Bailey and shouted "made a mess! made a mess!" It was then the next two ounces came up and they went all down Bailey and all down me. Did I mention I left the diaper bag in the car to save room? Why would I need it for a quick little shopping run? I headed to the baby section and opened a pack of wipes and tossed about a dozen to Reagan to fend for herself while I cleaned myself up and the now very happy and smiley Bailey.

The departure
At that point I was finally ready to cut bait and head the heck out of there. I started to unload the groceries on the belt and at that time Reagan decided to remove her shoes. Off went the first one and she managed to give it a hefty toss that put it into the next checkout's magazine rack. Of course I didn't know that right away. I spent several minutes in that checkout line looking for the lost shoe and about the time I found it the other one came flying my way. The nice lady in line ahead of me seeing all three of us covered in puke and me close to tears hunting for shoes, helped me unload my cart. I think if the cashier could have given me my groceries for free without losing her job she would have, just to get me out of there. I must have looked like a beaten puppy because all kinds of baggers came to help bag the groceries and take us to the car.

The Goods
I had two important things I needed to buy: milk and formula. The rest was incidental. I forgot the milk and I forgot the formula. We will make do without.

Wanted Poster
Well, count another store I'll never be able to step foot into again. I'm pretty sure if I ever step foot in that same Publix again I'll find a picture of me, covered in puke and cheerios, carrying my two screaming kids, with a caption that reads, "If you see this woman, promptly escort her out and lock the door. Her baby is capable of spewing up to six feet and the toddler is as destructive as termites to wood. Both are considered highly dangerous."

88 comments:

gLobeY said...

Holy Cow! And I thought I had bad experiences at the stores with Xaelen. This is in another league altogether. Is it alright that I couldn't stop laughing? You wrote it so well, it was like a scene in a movie. Only, of course, it was your reality. My hat's off to you for maintaining a sense of humor about it all.

Fullerton Family said...

Oh my gosh, I was laughing so hard, but only because I have totally been there! I also thought (at first) that putting baby in the sling would so much easier! You need your husband back, you poor thing!

Joanna said...

Oh, I'm dreading what Karma is going to do to me for laughing at this, but I couldn't help. I've shopped with a pukey baby in a sling, and a toddler that won't get in a cart, but never with both. I will definitely do my best to avoid ever doing it too.

LauraC said...

This is why I love reading about the singleton world! I gave up shopping with the boys LONG LONG ago unless I have backup (Jon). Before he leaves for a trip, I make sure I have everything I need for the time he's gone plus a couple of days. Of course he travels almost every week so we've had a long time to practice.

Still, sorry to hear about your day. I found the hardest part of having two kids was/is LOGISTICS. Unfortunately a lot of this comes from the school of hard knocks!

Beth said...

Oh my goodness, Bridget. Please forgive me for ROFLMAO. You write a fabulous narrative! This could so easily be me, so I will absolutely remember this in the not-too-distant future when I get the crazy thought in my head that I can handle taking both kids to the store. Thanks for sharing your plight! I hope you've fully recovered.

Cristie said...

Oh my. I'm just not sure if I should laugh or cry. Or pray for your sanity. I thought I had had bad grocery store experiences (involving 3 dozen broken eggs over my Coach diaper bag...) with just one kid...but this tops everything. One thing is for sure, having Baby #2 is definitely on hold after reading this!

~~Jill~~ said...

ROFL!! I am sneaking on here at work and just started to hysterically laugh - my coworkers must think I'm crazy!! I have so been there, and what is worse I never seem to learn my lesson!! Hope things got better for you!!!

JenFen said...

That gave me a good laugh and I know someday you will look back and laugh too. I have had similar experiences, although maybe none quite as bad as that, nor as comical and well narrated! Despite your experience, I will say I still think the best way to grocery shop with a newborn/infant and toddler is to put the baby in the Bjorn. Otherwise, you have no room for the groceries or they end up crying not wanting to be in the carseat. Can you believe I would rather shop with them at that age than at 1 and 3 when I absolutely stopped trying and either would do it with only 1 or on weekends when hubby could watch both. Thanks for sharing girl.

Anonymous said...

yes, daughter...this compares with the spilled Kentucky fried, locking the keys in the car with 3 kids outside, your dad having to come get us, he ran out of gas on the way and left the pizza to burn in the oven in the meantime...sorry...I didn't laugh then, but can now...and I DID!!! :-)

love you more...

Joyce said...

Oh my gosh! I haven't laughed that hard in a long time! I too have benefitted from the kindness of strangers. Bless you momma!

Jason said...

Story of my life! We must be crazy to have two under two! -Brittany- from babycenter

Sandi said...

This is exactly why I shop late at night! Hubby has to stay with the kids while I shop for produce and regain my limited sanity :-).

Givinya De Elba said...

Oh I can feel your pain! The first day I ever shopped with 2-yr-old Sonny MaJiminy and newborn Chubbity Bubbity, I was TERRIFIED!!

I had a whopping two things on my list and once they were bought and we were outta there, I felt like I deserved a medal.

Since then it's got easier, only because I sorted out what LauraC said: Logistics. But she was right - you only sort out the logistics after embarrassing lessons in the school of hard knocks.

I think my picture is up on the wall, right next to yours. Do Not Allow This Woman Into The Store If Accompanied by One or More Children.

Givinya De Elba said...

I forgot to add: Top Points to you for opening some wipes to clean the puke up.

I would have left it there, believing (erroneously) that powering on with puke all over everyone is some sort of parenting badge of honour.

I'll remember your story though, and if I'm in that situation in the future, I'll go straight to the wipes section!

Tricia said...

Oh this one will be told and told again.

Jaci said...

Hi! Visiting from SITS! I can feel your pain, although usually my 2 year old is destroying the store alone since I don't have a little baby. When you have kids, don't park to the side to be nice and let other people through or she will make a huge mess! :) Now is the time to be an aisle hog.

Sheri said...

Thanks for the morning laugh! I always to be patient and understanding when I see someone with kids . . . Now I realize it's ok to jump in and HELP, too!

Caroline said...

Wow! I'm so sorry, but you will be able to laugh about it someday...a day when there's no more stinky-smelling baby puke and flying shoes to contend with.

Debbie said...

OMG! That was hysterical, in a totally-happens-to-me way! My only trick is to park kinda far out, so no one parks near me and I can actually open both doors, but to also seek out a cart for the older one then do the Bjorn. This also avoids my slice of hell known as the preschooler sized cart. Clearly a man thought of these. I like to make Noah a little list per Supernanny. It does get easier. Most days. :)

Suzanne said...

Oh yeah, back in the day I had many trips like that. One time we entered the store to find a product promotion going on - - someone was dressed up like a giant Twinkie which sent my daughter into a fit. We had to leave the store with nothing! I never got past the Twinkie guy.

- Suzanne, the Farmer's Wife

Caren said...

You poor thing! I've had bad experiences with my son at the grocery store but I just have the one and your story was much better...or should I say worse.

Please forgive me for laughing, I really do sympathize.

EmBee said...

I'd recommend finding yourself a Mommy's Helper... You know, a 10 or 11 yr. old girl who loves babies and little kids and would enjoy the opportunity to feel responsible and make a couple of extra bucks!

My guess is the Publix sold out of contraceptives right after you left the store.

Lisa said...

Oh my!!! That was crazy. I only have a one year old. So, I know that my time is coming..... I will take this as a lesson to learn. Glad you survived.

TheMama said...

I have a grabby 14 month old who always goes for the meat in the cart. What is THAT all about??

Mar said...

Hi! Came over from SITS and seriously, I feel your pain. my two little ones are 16 months apart and I still remember our first shopping trip ever, to Wal*Mart. Not to discourage you or anything, but I find it more challenging now! (they are 3 and 18 months now) and may I just say, that grocery stores need to buy more of those car shopping carts! LOL...

Great post!

Rhea said...

A reward system is KEY here. Even now, with my 11 yr old and 6 yr old I have to implement it, just to be safe. (Otherwise they end up playing tag or hide and seek in the shelves, I swear)

I promise them a reward at the END of the grocery store run, IF they behave. This involves donuts, quarter toys out of the machine, ANYTHING that they want, just about.

This system works nicely for me.

I feel for you. This story had my eyes wide open, my mouth wide open, in awe. You poor thing!

Tracy P. said...

Oh my gosh, I don't know whether to laugh or cry. My kids were those ages about seven years ago, and there's still something a little raw about remembering those moments. That's when I started using a delivery service. Now that my kids are in school I always think on the first day of school I should go to the grocery store and pass out chocolates to all the moms with kids and tell them they will live to tell about it! But I haven't had the guts to do it yet.

Happy SITS day!

Jen said...

wow. I thought I had it bad with 4 kids under the age of 4 but that shooping trip tops the cake. but very, very funny.

Amanda Jo said...

Just over from SITS and Ooooh...I've been there! I am so amazed that you weren't in tears the whole time...I was when I went through a similar situation!! Praise the Lord for the gracious people He sprinkled along the way!

What a great story - thanks for sharing it with us!

Z's Mom said...

Oh my! You poor thing! I feel for you! Glad you made it through alive!

Perksofbeingme said...

awww. sorry about your crazy trip. Good luck next time.

Judy Haley said...

its 7am and just reading that story made me crave a glass of wine, a bath, and a nap.

better luck next time.

Sunshine said...

My blood pressure went up reading that! And I feel like crying now.

Let's just say...I CAN RELATE!

Though my kids are 7 and 5! I wish I could say it gets better.

P.S. I laughed too, cuz you gotta laugh OR YOU WILL CRY.

Saw ya on SITS, funny Momma!

Cecily R said...

Ah, this is so oddly familiar!!! I have to be honest. There are days when I would rather eat ketchup sandwiches three meals in a row than go shopping with my kids. They have opinions about that though, so I have to give in. Darn those kids who want balanced meals!!

Great post!! SITS rocks!

Cristin said...

That's some good stuff! I try at all costs not to bring my 5 year old and 15 month old shopping at the same time... either one alone is fine but bringing them both usually spells disaster!

Karen said...

Here from SITS.

I feel your pain. I once tried to go grocery shopping, on my own, with new born twins and a 20 month old. That trip ended with me sobbing my eyes out in the middle of the store. The 20 monh old was on the floor in front of me, throwing a fit and both babies were screaming.

Mama Dawg said...

Found you via SITS. I so feel for you.

Kat said...

Oh, wow. Wow. I think I survived that age because we had WEB van. You know, where you go online and order your groceries and they deliver them to your front door...and even bring them in the house for you? They are no longer around...but this makes me long for those days...

Melanie said...

Ahh yes. Isn't motherhood grand! I have been there but I had 4 kids under 5 haha!! It does get easier but only because you get use to it not because they get better.

LaDeana said...

I am so sorry for your experience. I am laughing with you and not at you trust me. I have a 3 1/2 year old (also Reagan), a 2 year old, and a 10week old (with reflux). All girls. When it is nessassary to take the older two to the store my husband heads straight to the deli counter and gets them a free cookie. Works like a charm.

Smoochiefrog said...

We've all been there girl, all of us moms. At least you're able to look at it with humor. Some of us, ahem, still refuse to take more than one child to the store by ourselves. :)

Neurotically Yours: said...

I remember days like that!!

And like Tiffany said, I was laughing with you no at you :)

Jennifer P. said...

Well at least you gave all the strangers a chance to earn a few blessings... :)

It's days like that that keep us humble!

But at least she was good while there was a cookie involved, right? Next time just buy a BAG of cookies and keep 'em coming :)!

Laurel said...

We have all SO been there! So sorry but God bless all the good samaritans who were sweet to you. I've got a new mantra for you ...
"I will do online grocery shopping, I will do online grocery shopping, I will do online grocery".

Shelley said...

Well, I will be on the look out for you next time I am in Publix!! LOL Bless your heart!!!
I, too, go shopping with the two ankle biters ONLY...I repeat...ONLY if my husband is going with us. He got tired of staying home with them both, which is the ONLY other way I go to the store, so now he comes with us and we have a..um...uh...BALL!!! :-)
Blessings
Shelley

Deb said...

so then , fun for the WHOLE family?

Sorry, it's sounds horrible and I should not laugh ... but my water came spewing out of my nose and my eyes are watering. not even sure what I'm typing cause I can see the keyboard through the tears.

Nicole said...

Oh, that sounds so familiar. And my husband wonders why I don't go grocery shopping with three kids while he's a work, is he crazy? I totally though the Bjorn was such a good idea, and I'm with you I hate the special kids carts, all they do is get in and out of them. One place me and my hubby lived and a grocery store with a little FREE daycare, of course I didn't have kids so never got to enjoy it.

MotherBunker said...

Well, that's simply the worst trip to the grocery store I've ever heard about. My sympathies. I've been there ... though with less baby reflux.

Val said...

Headed over from SITS!

Too funny....although I am trying to show my sympathy for you :)
I totally understand where you are coming from though!
Usually I pick up a bag of lollipops and just let them have at it. This works!

Where are their Thomas the Train carts? I have never seen them, but would totally like to try it out!

lfamily5 said...

As a stay-home mom, let me say....I have been there! Kudos to you for trying! This post was so close to home and funny all at the same time!
Visiting via sits

Simply Stork said...

I am a mother of four...I try to go shopping when my husband can watch the kiddo's for me :o) But I know sometimes that can not be helped...I used to "practice" going to the store with my children. I would gather them up, on a day I didn't really need anything, and go in, with the intention of going directally to the car the moment anything bad happend...then I would turn around and go directally to the car and drive home...it only took me 2 trips this way...the children then could go into the store with me with no problems...(and the new little carts for kids helped... along with them having their own shopping lists)

~simply~

Jill said...

Found you on SITS. I don't have kids yet, but I can remember what terrors we were to my mom when we were little...... I'm starting to feel REALLY bad for that now! Props to you for getting through the trip!

Melissa Lester said...

Bless your heart! I think all of us moms have experiences like this that just seem to go wrong from start to finish. So now when you get the opportunity to shop or dine without your children, you can be one of those kindhearted moms who opens doors, gives a word of encouragement, or just offers a sympathetic smile that says "I've been there" when you see another red-faced mom fumbling through an embarrassing moment with her little ones!

Kris said...

You poor thing! I used to go to the store with both boys pretty easily but when their sister came along, I gave up. I know my limits - and there is nothing wrong with a woman saying that! I now enjoy peaceful, albeit early, Saturday morning grovery store trips by MYSELF!!

Merrie said...

Oh my dear, you really got the full mom treatment, didn't you? Thank goodness you can laugh about it! And I love your girls' names.

Marla said...

good stuff... this is why i too rarely go out with my kids because when you haven't been trained this way from day one (as in staying home and dealing) you have this if it can happen will happen Karma with you. If I can avoid going out with both my kids I do because like you I'm blessed with constant hubby help

scargosun said...

OMG your poor thing. I really need to stop reading these blogs because P and I are SO far gone now in the category of terrified of kids. ;) Jokig of course.

Found you through SITS. GReat blog!

Mrs. S said...

Oh I just want to cry for you! I only have one so far so I can't commiserate, but I can empathize. I didn't go to the store without my husband for months after T was born. I was scared with one!

Blarney said...

Blarney motto - never go shopping in a grocery store that doesn't offer samples of wine while you shop!

Amy Jo said...

Great story! I just heard a country song last night and the only lyrics I remember are "You're gonna miss these days". Maybe you miss that EXACT day at the grocery store, but these crazy, akward moments will someday go away and you'll miss these years. (or so I've been told)

Swirl Girl said...

Been there and done that!
Plie = deep knee bends with Baby Bjorn = keeps things from falling on your head...

www.swirlgirlspearls.blogspot.com

American in Norway said...

Oh gosh... takes me back to the GLORY days...

Sherri said...

We have all been there!!!

Katy Lin :) said...

i'm laughing, but purely out of ignorance! i admire you for your pluck! way to keep going even when everything was telling you to turn tail and run!

Talisman said...

LOL! Reminds me of a day I had like that. And no, I never did go back to that grocery store again. LOL

my2boyz said...

Oh you poor thing! What a nightmare! I am so gald you survived! Happy SITS day!

Adiel said...

Ouch! What a rough experience. Thank goodness for kind strangers.

Although, I'm once again I'm being scared out of my wits to ever have children. ;)

Mama's Losin' It said...

No guffaw from me...I stay home with the babies and completely refuse to grocery shop them. I hope you brought them straight home and put them to bed!!

WheresMyAngels said...

I used to walk out of our mall crying cause one of my kids was so horrid.

insane mama said...

Oh geez!
I've had those grocery shopping days, but it's been awhile. Ii love your descriptive writing

MomMega said...

Oh. My. Gosh. I am so sorry about that trip. And I am so sorry that I am laughing so hard with you. Glad you made it out!!

Vicki said...

This is how I felt the first couple of times I took two out at the same time. It gets easier...

BTW, LOVE the name Reagan. My oldest is named Reagan. There was never another name we were considering for her :)

Mamasphere said...

Hmmm, maybe I shouldn't have two?

Toni said...

Oh girl I am sorry I got a laugh out of this but I have totally been there so I can feel your pain!

Hairline Fracture said...

You have all my sympathies. I loved how you kept saying, "I should have gone back to the car, but I didn't." I've had that feeling and ignored it at my peril, too.

Danielle said...

OH! Over from SITS, and you have my commendation for even ATTEMPTING this, you brave brave soul!

So funny! great post!

Missy said...

I love that you let your older one fend for herself! Hilarious! From reading some of your posts I feel like I'm hearing myself talk!

Suzanne's Blog, Jane's Blog said...

Congrats on the Blog of the day from sits. I had also put you in as blog of the day last week, at the momblogs.

I feel your pain, plus 2, I had to take 4 kids to the supermarket with me.

Mrs. R said...

So funny! I love the way you write. It is SO relatable.

Hope you enjoyed your SITS day!

Angela said...

Ew, digits in a pot roast! Sounds like a horror movie! :) So glad that you survived so that you could entertain us all with that!

Karen said...

Wow. You had me laughing so hard that my husband came into the room to make sure I was ok. My sympathies and congratulations to you for surviving that ordeal!

Michelle said...

OMG! That so totally cracked me up! Fortunately, when I had the wee ones at the 4 months and 25 months of age, my mom insisted on taking care of them so I could run errands or ran the errands for me.

But I empathize completely with the projectile spewing. Little Miss vomited (and I do mean vomited) every time she was leaned back far enough -- which included being put in her infant seat.

At least now you know there's no such thing as quick trip to the store. I've only recently stopped carrying the diaper bag EVERYwhere, and Little Miss turns 2 August 1.

Good luck :) And way to see the humor in the situation. Only a mom would have persevered through it all... and yes, a SITS girl!

Toni said...

I included you in my mid-week blog shout out at A Daily Dose of Toni. Your blog is great!

Kimba said...

Oh darling! That's a hilarious story. You'll be thrilled that you have it documented in a few years! I think we've all been there at one point or another.

Thanks for sharing!

Teri said...

Absolutely priceless story! And I wish it was fiction, but I personally know better. Great blog! Found you on SITS.

mommastantrum said...

They won't kick you out....they will gladly assist you the next time you are in the store! And if they don't they should be shot! I am so glad that you could keep your senses and laugh about it after the fact, because I know that if you can't you are indeed a huge mess!

Gina said...

Uh, yeah. The year I had a 4 1/2 year old, 2 1/4 year old, 1 year old, and infant I STAYED HOME. My shopping was done at midnight. Between the 11pm and 1am fedings when no one could possibly miss me.

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

I'm laughing WITH you, not AT you! I've had similar experiences with my 3 boyz. I swear they had 3 cashiers checking us out and bagging, just trying to get us the heck outta there before the boyz destroyed anything else!
Fun times, huh?

(Found you thru the SITS gals, by the way!)