Thursday, September 25, 2008

Dear Gwyneth Paltrow of GOOP

Ok, I normally could care less about celebrities and I've never actually blogged about them before, but this particular thing hit some kind of hot button with me. Here's my letter to Gwyneth regarding the launch of her website GOOP.
Dear Gwyneth Paltrow:

I love you, I really do. You're a vision of ethereal beauty with a fresh face that is never too overdone, you have a perfect body, and beautiful naturally blonde hair. Your kids are adorable and well behaved (even with their crazy monikers). You pull off a perfect British accent despite being born in LA. You married a guy in a band, how cool is that?

But I've got to tell you, this latest little adventure of yours, I don't think it was a very good idea. Maybe it is more of the execution than the concept, but I'll get to that later. I mean, you're launching a website. You're calling it GOOP. What the hay wagon is GOOP? Are you trying to coin a new phrase? Try something that isn't named after the junk you find stuck to the bottom of your shoe. GOOP doesn't sound ethereal or lovely, it sounds clunky, dirty, like stuff lubricating an engine of a 1973 Gremlin. I don't think it's a very good name, but you must have a perfectly good explanation for it. Actually, scratch that. You named your kids Apple and Moses. I think you should have lost your right to name your site, or a pet hermit crab for that matter. But that's not really my issue.

My issue is really the site itself. You've got these catchy little bits like "Make", "Go", "Eat", "Be", etc. and when you click on them at the moment you get the following blurb:

GOOP, a collection of experiences. GOOP, what makes life good.
My life is good because I am not passive about it. I want to nourish what is real, and I want to do it without wasting time. I love to travel, to cook, to eat, to take care of my body and mind, to work hard. I love being a mother who has to overcome my bad qualities to be a good mother. I love being in spaces that are clean and feel nice.
Over the years, I have tried lots of different things. I have made lots of mistakes. But I have figured some things out in the process and I would like to share them with you. Whether you want t good place to eat in London, some advice on where to say in Austin, the recipe I made up this week, or some thoughts from one of my sages, GOOP is a little bit of everything that makes up my life.
Make your life good. Invest in what’s real. Cook a meal for someone you love. Pause before reacting. Clean out your space. Read something beautiful. Treat yourself to something. Go to a city you’ve never been to. Learn something new. Don’t by lazy. Workout and stick with it. GOOP. Make it great.

I can't deny you your right to want to be the next Oprah or Martha Stewart. But really, you lost me on your first sentence: "My life is good because I'm not passive about it."

Oh, thanks for that. I was wondering why my life has sometimes been crap. It was because I didn't work hard enough, I didn't seize myself up by my bootstraps, see what I wanted, and gone for it? You mean if I had taken the same steps in your life and had followed a macrobiotic diet, learned a British accent, and practiced cupping, I could have had your life? I could have been the Oscar winner, married a rockstar, and launched my own perfume?

Come on. Let's face it. I could never be you. Your life is good because you were born into a good life, a life of privilege. You were born into fame, born into fortune, born with gifted genes. You attended exclusive boarding schools and were given things in life most only read about. I don't doubt you work hard in your life, but you have made a great life even better by that work. Most of us are starting with a lot less to work with.

I mean, have you ever been me? Were you ever in my shoes? I mean, if you started where many of us did, then you can color me impressed. Let's see, have you ever eaten Ramen noodles for four days straight, floated a check to the electric company, or been so low on "E" that you tried to turn off the air conditioner in 100 degree heat and even turned off the radio? Have you ever used a bottle of Nice 'N Easy or Sun In to color your hair? Have you ever bought your cosmetics next to the bandaids and toenail fungus cure? Did you ever think Applebees was "good eatin"? Did you ever take swimming lessons at the YMCA, hung up a pin up from Tiger Beat magazine, or take a summer job bagging groceries or flipping burgers? Have you ever served a Stouffers frozen Lasagna entree for dinner?

Your life if good now because you have assistants, nannies, stylists, makeup artists, managers, housekeepers, and PR people. I AM all of these people for me AND my family. Yes, I might have a little more time on my hands to do all of the things you do if I had a little help to get things done too.

And what is all of this about you sharing recipes you created with us? You follow a macrobiotic diet. When was the last time you scarfed down a twinkie or savored a bowl of chicken alfredo pasta? What are you planning to cook, exactly? If your planning on sharing with us your recipe for raw cauliflower with a side of pine nuts, mmmmmm there's good eatin. Look, just a heads up as your new BFF that's just keeping it real, if you serve that up as dinner around here us peasants are likely to revolt. However, if you plan to share your latest recipe for pot roast, do you really think we are going to believe that you chow on a hunk of chuck and dip your bread in the gravy and then wipe your mouth with a torn off paper towel? It's just yet another way you just aren't "just like us."

Launch your website, share your cool stuff. But do you really have to be so condenscending? We're on to you GOOP girl.


Michelle said...

See, this is why I read blogs. I'm completely culturally illiterate, and I rely on other bloggers to educate me on the silly (ok, hypocritical) things that celebrities do so when my friends say something, I can add something relevant to the conversation ;)

But seriously... goop? Really? Who was the marketing genius behind that one?

Heather said...

Will you marry me? That was the funniest post I've read in ages. Oh my stars.

Sheri said...

Oh, I so hear you! I've always said that if I could have a personal chef and trainer, I could lose weight, too!! The last time I had my dog in to the vet he was amazed at her weight loss. I said, "Yeah, if I had that person saying OK Sheri, this is it for the day", and "Ok, now it's time to go for our walk, and your going to LOVE it" I'd have impressive results too!!! I'm just going to have to be happy with me as me.

Joanna said...

When I was in jr. high a "friend" gave me a book about how to be popular. What you quoted from GOOP sounds a like like the garbage that was in that book. Well, what I read of it.

Pardon me while I go gag.

LauraC said...

Your reaction to GOOP is the same as my reaction to Marcia Cross saying "parenting is so easy." OF COURSE all this stuff is easy when you've got so much money you can pay people to do everything for you!

Nice call on her trying to be Oprah or Martha.

Even though she makes me gag, she doesn't make me gag as much as Tyra.

PS. Go to a city you've never been to???!!! Does she have no concept of how much money people make in the real world where travel is a LUXURY!!

PPS. Don't be lazy is a punch in the face.

Deanna said...

Maybe we should help her pull that silver spoon out of her mouth and give her some real GOOP to blog about?

Karen said...

I think you summed it up when you said she shouldn't have been allowed to name her website when her kids have such crazy names!

April said...

Wow - what a ridiculous website! Your letter is fantastic. I am still shaking my head!!!

DesiDVM said...

OMG hilarious. I saw her on Oprah a couple of weeks ago and she was so condescending. She kept saying things like, "You want my secret to losing baby weight? I worked my a-- off." Then they showed her daily 2-hour workout with her private trainer in her personal spa retreat home gym/pilates studio, and she told Oprah she loved working out in that room b/c she could "hear the kids while they play in the pool outside." Umm...since those kids are really little I'm assuming they're playing with A NANNY. Wow, if I could turn my kid over to a nanny for a couple hours every day so I could workout, maybe I could work my a-- off and be a size 4! It's so simple!

Pennies In My Pocket said...

ROTFL - HILARIOUS!! I never heard of this GOOP bit. I mean, COME ON. GOOP? I can't believe someone didn't tell her how stupid the name is.


Mountain Mom said...

Sing it, Sister! Amen!!! Great, great post. I LOVED it!

Jen said...

When I heard about this I was thinking the same thing but I just didn't know how to say it. Thanks for saying it so well and making me laugh.